My new blog!

Hi guys, please don’t hesitate to read my previous post explaining the long wait for a new post. But, things must come to an end so new things can start. So please read my new blog :



It’ll be worth it, trust me!



So, it’s been 3 years.

3 years since I posted Madeline’s last post. 3 years since I thought I should start fresh.

Look how far that got! I’m giggling now because I know that all that I’d thought was good for me was not, and I can’t believe that I continued to push myself to continue a story I didn’t really like – because I had become, dear reader, a person I didn’t really like.

I was a liar. I was a very sad little girl who didn’t like herself very much. I was someone who was struggling with family fights, puberty and just general angst. Lonely, I wanted to fit in. Desperately.

So I lied. I told horrid fibs and honestly, I’ve never regretted anything more. I cringe each time I think about it. I’ve tried to make amends, but I’ve never really meant it. Because somehow I still felt justified in what I’d done.

I don’t know what changed me, I don’t know what made me think twice. I guess it was when I started working out, doing yoga, eating well and caring for myself – that was when I realised that one cannot simply just say what they want to and expect no consequences for one’s actions.

But, I’m glad to say that I’ve passed it now. I don’t believe that I should hold myself over my actions permanently – especially, considering I was barely 14. I’m turning 17 later this year. I’ve found myself a good group of friends. I’ve come to terms with who I am. I have a strong family relationship.

So now thatI’ve learnt how to be a stable, functioning member of society, I’d like the implore you all to read my new story: https://thehamiltonsimslegacy.wordpress.com/

If you’d like to talk to me, don’t hesitate to email me at hannahveritas@gmail.com. I’d love to catch up.



Generation 3, Chapter 1- Madeline

I know I haven’t posted in ages, and I’m sorry. It’s been a tough few weeks but I’m back, and I’ve revamped the story. You all knew Natalie and Jones would marry. You all knew they would have kids. I did that, actually, privately in game. But over the last 2 weeks, while I’ve been deciding to come back to the game, I decided to start with Generation 3, Madeline. She will not be doing the 100 baby challenge. These posts will not be very frequent. More writing than pics, I’m afraid. Also, this blog is getting a revamp. I haven’t started it yet, I thought I’d rather do the post first. Then you will see all traces, slowly, of Natalie and Love disappear. There have been rumors that this is a depressing generation, and it no longer will be. I’ve added flair to Madeline and this will  certainly be much less heart-wrenching.  Onto the story. Please remember, I will be sometimes giving some flashbacks of Natalie. This is set 20 years after my last post. I hope you all enjoy, and hey, send me some feedback! (This is more of a short story. The story line will move quite quickly.) There is a serious lack of pictures in this post…please bear with me, and if you have read it, please at least like it or give me some feedback, I want to know if its worth coming back with a new story. I’m aware that I haven’t been up to date on many blogs, and if there’s a blog you think I should read and catch up on (I haven’t commented in ages) then please link me in the comments. Thank you, and really this time, let’s move onto the story.

“Madeline, hurry up!” My mother’s loud voice erupted around the house. “I have an ultrasound soon and, of course, you’re going to college. So perhaps you’d like to join us before your Senior year?”Screenshot-1093

“I’m coming!” I moaned, stuffing a couple of Star Wars DVDs over the brand-new paintbrushes that my father had bought just for me. I always felt slightly closer to my father, as while he was often looking for jobs, he always was patient and had time for me. Mom always seemed to be busy, either with my 8 year old sister, Leia (the legend goes that she was conceived during A New Hope) or with the new baby that had the nickname “apricot”. Heaven forbid my weird family names the child Apricot. Or, even worse, Dalek. Or Loki. Or my godmother, Electra, calls it Misha. I grew up in a nerdy family, what can I say?

“Madeline!” My mother burst through the door of my room with a screech. Her purple eyes hesitantly scanned the room, biting her maroon lip. She always did this when she was looking for a flaw. I challenged her with a questioning stare with my grey  eyes, while slowly but surely hiding the Star Wars DVDs from her view.

“Madeline, are those Star Wars DVDs?” She asked me incredulously. “Are you kidding me?”

Dammit. Too late.

“Remember A New Hope mom?” I whipped out the box set and my mother’s face flushed. “Remember all those little details…?” By now her pretty face was blood red. Mom always had a reputation for blushing daintily, but now she seemed as red as the disastrous tomato gravy she had attempted to pull off last week. My father walked in with Leia on his hip and he gave a little impatient chuckle.

“You two done your conversation now? We need to get going.”

I zipped up my suitcase and exchanged my suitcase for Leia with my father. He gave me a twinkling grin and I realized why my mother had fallen for him all those years back. She was lucky to have him.

“I’m ready,” I grinned broadly as Leia clung to me. I attempted to place her on the ground, she was 8 years old for God’s sake, but she clung to me like a limpet and began to play with my hair, the same hair as dad’s. “I was just reminding Mom of the importance of the first ever Star Wars film.”

“Ah, well, without that first film the Death Star would be killing us all…”

“And Leia wouldn’t be here.” I finished my father’s sentence with a smirk as I strapped my sister in. “I view that as the family catchphrase,” I giggled. “You say it all the time and I adore ending the joke for you.”

“It’s the truth, as much as your mother wants to deny it. Your grandmother seems to have told everyone. I still wonder how she knows.” Dad began to back out the driveway. Mom was still clasping his hand over her belly. He was struggling to reverse, but he wouldn’t pull his hand off her faded,stretched “Challenge mother and proud” t-shirt for the world.

“You guys are loud, you know.” I retorted smugly. As soon as the words left my mouth both parents turned and stared at me in horror.

“What?” They chorused in shock.

“I sleep in the room next to you, we have thin walls…ugh, I could hardly sleep when you two were trying to conceive Apricot. Every night, the same sound over and over again…I’m just kidding!” I choked out in the fit of laughter that overwhelmed me. “You could tone it down though. Just a thought.”

I turned my glance towards my little sister, who happily was counting to ten. She seemed so content in her immature little world. I remember when I was so young, without any worries besides if Barney was returning for another season. Mind you, I don’t think I ever watched Barney. Mom told me I used to watch Who Wants To Be a Millionaire and shout out all the answers in my falsetto voice that has gradually became a low, scratchy alto.

“Deep in the meadow, under the willow
A bed of grass, a soft green pillow
Lay down your head, and close your sleepy eyes
And when again they open, the sun will rise.

Here it’s safe, here it’s warm
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you.”

I sang the song with Mom , sitting among thousands of daisies that waved their gentle petals a final goodbye in the autumn wind. Mom was still young, and beautiful. She was tying together several daisies to make a crown for me. Her sweet vibrato was soft but she sang clearly. She placed the daisy crown on my head, and said with in a whisper: “You may not be in the Hunger Games, Maddy, but you’ll always be my Katniss.”

“Madeline, have you checked the family Facebook page? Your eight brothers and sisters wish you good luck for Uni!” Mom’s voice shattered my flashback. “And your grandmothers have been messaging you like crazy but no response, send them a text back. Oh, and Tyson,” Mom said my boyfriend’s name delicately, “Says that he got you a meeting with one of the Sorority members! How fun will that be?”

“Erm, great.” Damn Tyson. My sexy ginger boyfriend seems to have forgotten the fact that I detest any type of clique and I, somewhat socially awkward, would not bond well with the mean girls that bear a striking resemblance to those who tormented me throughout most of High School, even when I was Valedictorian. Especially when I was Valedictorian.

I grabbed my cellphone out my bag and scrolled aimlessly through good luck messages from almost every 50 babies my mom had. There were messages from almost all my cousins and aunts and uncles- it didn’t help that both my grandmothers are challenge moms! There was even a message from my grandmother’s great friend and ex-fiance’ Clark Turner.

Good luck sweetheart. My godson Clark (named after me ^_^ ) is a Sophomore there. If you see him, say hi to him from me. Maybe stop him for some coffee? Lots of love, your favorite “grandpa” xxx
P.S- This is college! Carpe Diem,and all your wishes will come true

I replied straight away.

Good try Clarkie :p I know you, hating tyson and playing match maker. good one! Thanks for the wishes! xxx

“Well, here we are.” The SUV steered gently into the next lane and a beautiful Gothic-style building appeared among the branches of winter and the beginning of spring. I had been here before, but usually in the middle of the night.


“It’s stunning,” I gasped breathlessly as the car lightly drove to the dormitory, allowing us to examine the scenery around us. I pressed my nose against the window in awe as we passed couples drinking hot liquid that released a swirling, dreamy steam. They shared butterfly kisses and strolled hand in hand. A young boy was tripping over puddles of melted ice, his legs splayed wildly around as he attempted to catch his comic books. Dad pulled over in concern.


“You alright?”

“Yes sir,” The boy pushed his glasses cheekily up his prominent nose. He pushed back his floppy blonde fringe and grinned at me. “I’m just a little clumsy. Are you the next teacher, sir, or is your lovely daughter over here joining us?”

“I’m glad to say the second option,” Dad said dryly, taking the books out of the boy’s hand. “You seem to have a good collection- Thor, Iron Man, Captain America, some X-Men and then the DC side of things…Batman, Superman… I think by now I’d like to learn your name.” Dad’s peered out the car window frame. “My name’s Jones Lemi, this is my wife Natalie, my 8 year old daughter Leia, who’s right in the back…and in the seat behind me here’s my daughter Madeline.”

“Good to meet you all,” He smiled. “My name’s Clark, Clark Santos.” His blue eyes met my face excitedly, and  through the window he examined my face carefully, like it was a treasured item. “I know that Madeline here should be in Oasis hall, as today we were expecting someone with the initials M.L. If not there, it could be in one of the other dorms, because all-”

“She’ll be staying in Oasis Hall until she has a meeting with some of the Sorority sisters. Then she’ll hopefully be accepted there,” Mom interrupted him, a proud beam splitting across her face. She always wanted me to be involved with normality. This would probably be her proudest moment.

“Oh, so you’re in with that side of campus?” Clark asked disappointedly. “Oh, ok, well, have a nice day then Mr and Mrs Lemi-”

“Wait!” I rolled down my window frantically. “Clark, come back!”

“Madeline! Let the boy move along!” Mom complained.

“No Mrs Lemi, I don’t mind.”

“Do you want to show me around?  Could you show me around?” I asked desperately. “Please?”

Carpe Diem. Carpe Diem. Carpe Diem.

‘Well, sure, I guess, if that’s okay with you Mr and Mrs Lemi-”

“It’s fine,” Dad reassured him. “Just have her back at the dorm in an hour, we need to say bye.”

“See you!” I tumbled out the car urgently; frantically grabbing the opportunity to see the campus- the place where I would experience many memories, no doubt good and bad.

“So, Madeline, where’d you like to look?”

“Well, I don’t mind,” I shuffled timidly down the pathway, hands in pockets. “I don’t know the campus. Maybe you can show me the best hangouts.”

“Well, of course m’lady.” Clark bowed down to me and grinned sheepishly. “By the way, you look even more beautiful without the treacherous shatterproof glass separating our love.”

“Shut up,” I giggled. “Flattery will get you nowhere,” I straightened up my act, seeing us pass Tyson’s dorm. I wondered if he was inside, waiting for me. I wonder if he had red roses, like he usually got me…

“Well, here’s the comic book store, it’s my favorite place on campus,” I grinned at Clark’s eager face.

Before I could reply, a man with a pinched face greeted Clark. “I see you brought a friend back. My name is Stewart, how’d you do?”

“I’m great thanks Stewart. Clark was just showing me around, and he brought me here first. If you’ll just excuse me…” I slipped away politely as my phone gave some urgent beeps. The boys began to talk deeply, the contrast of Clark’s tenor and Stewart’s alto made an interesting harmony.

Where r u? their geting impatient!!!!

It was from Tyson. I tried to ignore the grammar and spelling errors, but frustration arose in me. Not about his weak language, I’m not that much of a grammar freak- but how he thought I’d go along with all this. I don’t want to be in a Sorority. None the least the Sorority of my boyfriend’s best friend.

I began to scroll through my messages from Tyson, and I paused for a second at the one he sent me on his first day of Uni. Funny how we’re opposite people

Luv u bubs..ya, im kwl, idiot showing me around skool. -_-


“Oh, good, Clark, let’s head on to the next-”

“Do you take me for some kind of fool?” Clark’s voice was quavering slightly with emotion. “I’m showing you around because I want to be nice! And you message your boyfriend saying I’m the idiot? Well, maybe, you’re right. I’m an idiot for even talking to someone like you. A Sorority girl. Typical.” Clark stormed out the shop, the cheerful dime on the door as he exited made me feel even more melancholy.

I don’t want to belong to a clique. I’m not a Sorority girl. I’m down to earth, I love comics, I have emotions, I love and know each film represented on each poster that’s stuck on these walls. I felt upset that Clark had stormed out, of course. But what began to frustrate and anger me was that I was being targeted as one of the girls that ruin young nerd’s lives. Just like they had ruined mine.

I began to sob slightly, and then I ran out the opposite door. I choked another sob out. I’m Madeline Lemi!  I thought angrily. And no-one is going to change that! I was running on a pathway now, and before I knew it I had collided with a mass of girls, pushing them into a mud puddle.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry…” I babbled. “I didn’t see you…”

The main girl stood up, and I recognized her straight away from Tyson’s pictures- Amy.

The pout, the clear blue eyes, the blemish-free face and, of course, the blond hair, slightly tinted brown from the mud.

“What the fuck was that about?” She yelled. I winced, wiping away tears, determined not to let fresh ones appear. “If you had opened your eyes, you would’ve… You know what, leave it. I have to go interview a new Sorority sister. Maybe you’ve heard of Madeline Lemi? I don’t suppose so.” She smirked smugly, pushing past me.


I knew then that I shouldn’t go into that interview- but I did. I saw Tyson standing in the doorway talking to someone. I walked up to him, ready to peck him on the cheek. His friend gave me a weird look, but he began to walk swiftly away.
“Madeline, no public displays of affection in the dormitory.” Tyson was stiff and awkward in my embrace. I doubt he even patted me on the back.

“Since when did you obey the rules?” I muttered flirtatiously, batting my eyelashes.

“Madeline, we’re going to be late.” Tyson pushed me away and my heart sank. I didn’t want to lose him.

He took my hand and lead me through a passage. Each room door was semi-open, so I could see the lights flashing, the suspicious smell of smoke from one, and interesting sounds from another completely darkened room. He lead me into one,  the door slightly ajar, which I remembered to be Tyson’s.

“Amy, this is Madeline.”

She sat on the bed, and it made me inwardly cry out. She sat on the bed where I had lost my virginity, cried, finished reading Gone With The Wind, the place where I attempted to smoke a joint (it failed, thank God.), where I had a private after-party after graduation with Tyson…And she sat on the bed like she owned it!  The recognition flickered over her face, but it was soon overwhelmed by an angelic grin.

“Hello Madeline. Why don’t you take a seat?”

I knew then that I was glad I’d brought the Star Wars box set. At the rate I was going, soon Obi-Wan and I would be alone.

Thanks for reading, don’t forget to leave feedback and a blog link! 😀


Life and Death- Part 2 (Babies 51 and 52)

Strong language in this post. Sorry about the lack of pictures, some are recycled as my game kept on crashing. Writing isn’t spot on though I tried. School has been getting crazy and its hard for me to manage.

“My name is Natalie Windfield, and I suffer from some kind of crap depression.” I stared at myself in the mirror and circled my belly, the belly that held a baby inside. Funny, how when I first began my challenge, I was so excited to have these babies. My heart would be all aflutter and I could not breathe without grinning. Now my belly looked uninteresting. The challenge seemed stupid. I couldn’t even pick out the fathers any more. New in technology, two eggs would be in my womb while the different sperm of different dads would meet the eggs, so two different babies with different dads could be in my stomach at the same time. The dads were Spencer Collins and an unknown donor.

“Too AA meeting.” I mumbled to myself, flopping on the bed.


The Wellness Center was supposed to be this awesome Zen place, a place when you walk in with problems and walk out with them gone. Albeit that is impossible and even though I’m dreading it, I do somewhat want to start the long road to recovery. This place has many challenge parents in it, at least. I found out about it from Electra.

“I think you should go to The Wellness Center, Nats.”

I looked at her with disgust.

“No, Electra, I’m not going to any bullshit place where they tell me I’m wrong and my lifestyle is wrong and I need to accept Budda in my life.”

“No, this is the place where Skye goes.”

“Skye has depression?” I asked, curling up on the couch.

“No. Well, yes. She used to and now she gives talks to others about how to overcome it.  Nothing preachy-like.” Electra said quickly when she saw the disdain on my face. “You know Skye.”

I know Skye. And I know I’m going to hate this afternoon.


I push wearily through the door of The Wellness Center, leaving the icy air behind me. It was still vicious, considering Spring should be coming soon.

Screenshot-1078 Screenshot-1079

“Morning!” A voice said in light, cheery tones. I gave the voice a nod, and as I turned to match the familiar voice to a face I saw Chloe Moreau a close friend of mine busy organizing some books on a desk. “Natalie!” She beamed. “Sit down next to Jackson over there, I’m sure you know Jackson, don’t you?”

I smiled at Jackson, and I gave him a hug. I knew him, as I had just participated in his challenge.


“Sorry I’m late.” A woman with beautiful pink eyes and black and pink hair sat herself down next to me. I looked at her wearily and she suddenly felt my gaze upon her and whipped her head round.

“Aria. Aria Eden. 56 babies.” I nodded.

“Natalie. Natalie Anders, 50 babies.”

“Congrats.” She turned to Skye, who was walking in briskly. It was so strange how everyone seemed so different here than on Facebook. They all seemed so withdrawn…so depressed.

“All here? Let me just tick off the register…Sorry to any newbies, though the register makes it easier to keep track of who’s gonna be sticking with us.” Skye looked up. “Ok, Chloe is obviously here…Charmain…Ariel…Jackson…Natalie…Aria. Alright, I’ll start.

“When I was a teenager, I had depression because I lost her memory and had an identity crisis. Depression isn’t nice, as all of us know, though with the help of Chloe and I, we’ll help you get through this. Chloe has suffered depression after her daughter, Prim died of cancer. The Wellness Center is not going to try be like an AA meeting when we all talk  about the wrong things we’ve done- here we’re focused on the future. Not the past. I’m going to ask anyone who feels compelled to tell their story to come forward.”

Immediately Jackson stood up.

“When I was younger, I married the love of my life, Isabella. She got breast cancer and passed on…” His voice turned raspy with emotion. “And she told me I should move on. And I will.” He said everything so quickly and simply, though it was so emotional to me.

Skye nodded.

“You can do it, Jackson. You can do it. Now, next we have Ariel. Ariel, just tell us a little of your story.”

” I watched my husband get murdered and I got attacked by the murderer. Hence the scar,” She gestured to the scar underneath her beautiful gray eyes. ” And then I killed him myself. I’m suffering from depression, though I’m sure I can get through it.”

“Thank you. Charmain?”

“I’ve been suffering from depression since my parents died from a fire on Christmas day and I’ve lived in an orphanage until I was 18. With the help of my kids I’m getting through it.”

“Thank you. Aria?”

“Hmm, lets see. I lost the love of my life, I was raped, I’ve lost multiple friendships, and I relapsed into drug use. That’s all I can say and I’m not gonna be saying some positive crap to you.”

I was in awe of this beautiful woman and how she was so “confident”, though the awe melted away as I realized how much worse off she was compared to me.


“Ok, thank you Aria,” Skye’s tone was still calm as she scribbled down something next to her name. “Natalie?”

“Hi…erm, my name is Natalie and I think I’m suffering from depression.” I took a deep breath. “My two children died in a fire recently and I was raped on my wedding night…” Tears began to trickle down my face and I concealed the deep sadness with a smile. Skye nodded as Chloe said something to her, then she said loudly to us all: “Thanks for coming guys. Today was just to get to know you all. Next week we’ll move onto getting over your depression. See you next week.”

Walking though the string of people and walking straight out the door, I felt so conflicted with feelings.

“Oh shit!” I yelled loudly as I felt into my pocket and realized I had left my cellphone at home, so I couldn’t call a taxi to get back. Guess I have to walk back.

The wind was even more vicious than I had thought as it howled in my ears. I began to quietly cry, my sobs drowned out my the wind. Suddenly a car stopped next to me and it hooted.

“Fuck off!” I cried hysterically. “I’m not a prostitute! I’m not a …” I trailed off as the car door began to open.

“Shit shit shit…” I began to run, half crying half laughing as the man stepped out.

“Natalie! Natalie Windfield! Its me, Blaine Hawkins!”Screenshot-1075

“Blaine?” I turned my head around and saw the ginger ninja outside his car, his face crumpled in concern.

“Wanna lift?”

“Sure! Thanks, dude.” I hopped in his car and wiped away my tears.

“Natalie, are you ok?”

“Yep. Just, you know…trying to keep up normality.” My voice began to break as tears got stuck up in my throat; and I turned away and looked out the window.

“Thanks for the ride, Blaine,” I got out as he drew up at my house.

“Hey, Natalie…” He said.



“Keep safe.”

As his car drove off into the distance, I opened my mailbox and grabbed the mail. Bills, bills, bills… a letter from the military. I fumbled with the seal of the letter while I opened the house and let myself in.

“Hello honey,” I grinned at Damon as he finished his homework. I sat down and opened the letter.

Dear Mrs Alexander Anders,

It it with our deepest sympathy that we inform you of your husband, Alexander Anders’ death on the battlefield…

My face went white.

“Mom? Mom? Are you ok?” Damon cried. His concerned expression changed into an expression of blankness as he read the letter. He did not know his “father”; though he knew how much he meant to me.


Alex was dead.

All I remember was a strangled cry, and then the blackness of despair.


Babies 51, Kingsley and Baby 52, Mercedes.



Baby 52, Mercedes Collins- Windfield 



Life and Death- Baby 50

Strong language used in this post. Nothing really serious though. 13 and up.

“Aren’t you looking beautiful today!” Alex wolf-whisted. I did a little twirl for him and he grinned at me. His hands lightly touched my back and I pulled him in for a kiss. His lips were dry and the kiss was unpleasant though I wrapped my arms tighter around his muscular waist. Closing my eyes, I began to sway. I began to re-create the moment when Jones and I danced under the moonlight.

“Enjoying the dance?” Alex asked me as he nuzzled my ear.

“Funny, we hardly dance anymore.”

“I know,” I muttered, letting my head rest on his chest.

“You don’t seem to want to anymore.”

I pulled away from him disgustedly and stormed off, across our bedroom, back in Appaloosa Plains.

“Natalie, stop it!”

“Stop what?” I turned my head around and glared at him.

“Stop storming off and leaving me standing here and letting me know fuck-all what I did wrong!”

“You know what you did wrong!” I cried, sitting on the bed and turning away from him. Tears began to stream down my face. “Y-You bloody well know what you did wrong,” I mumbled to myself, my speech jerky with tears.

“Natalie, face me, dammit!” Alex roared and I whipped my head around to see his face was purple. I stared at him, tying to be calm, but I couldn’t be calm, I won’t. “I’m sick of you blaming me for something I don’t even know I did! You don’t love me,” His voice lowered. “You know who you love.”


“I do love you!” I cried in desperation.

“Oh Natalie,” Alex laughed humorlessly. “No you don’t. You’re in love with Jones.”

“Oh Alex that’s completely wrong!” I cried and jumped into his arms. “I love you, Alex, I love you.”

“Oh all right,” Alex laughed. I knew he didn’t believe me. We shared another kiss and he placed me down on the bed. He began to unbutton his shirt and I looked away. If I closed my eyes I’d imagine  the night of my wedding again.

“Erm, mom, dad?” I turned around to see Callie in the doorway with an apron on. “We’re having a formal dinner-a dinner that we made- in the dining room so if you’d get dressed and ready we’d begin as soon as you come down.”

“Thanks Callie,” I grinned warmly and stood up and winked at Alex.  “We’ll be down soon.”

“I have a letter, I see,” Alex flipped through the mail that the domestic worker had put next to our bed. “From the army.”

“Oh?” I queried, hopping into some clean underwear.

“I’ll read it out to you.

“Sargent Alexander Anders,

Your trial in Afghanistan is approaching shortly. If you haven’t received my previous letter, my deepest apologies. As a reminder, your trial will begin on the 15th of  January 2013. If all goes well, you should be back on the 17th of March. There will be a time when you come home, from the 13th to the 15th of February. These two days are our thanks to you for serving our country for the past 10 years.

Details will arrive shortly.”



“Finally, those bastards have given me what I had always wanted.” He laughed shortly. “Not the best timing, with my pregnant wife and my oldest son getting married. My oldest child, Britney, pregnant. My other 3 kids all heading to college. I’m a fucking grandpa. I have 6 grandkids! And now they decided to call me.”

“You’re thirty and thriving, honey!” I smiled and kissed him on the cheek.

“And you’re 21 and pregnant.” He smiled weakly and kissed me lightly back.

Not with your child.

“Barely pregnant. You can hardly see it. By the way, did Robin get one too?”

“Nope, he’s already served his time.”

I was getting into my dress when suddenly Clayden screamed. “Mom! Dad! There’s a fire! CARL!”

“Carl!” I ran down the stairs with Alex on my heels. “CARL!”

I was suddenly blinded by extreme heat and I immediately protected my face. Only for a moment. A mother’s love is not stopped by heat. Nothing can stop it, to be honest.



“Clayden, Callie, get the hell out of there!” Alex yelled. Callie fell out the furnace of a kitchen and choked for a moment. I rushed to her and gave her a kiss before I rushed off to tend to the boys and she went to call the Fire Brigade.

“Carl!” I screamed as I saw his body briefly through the flames. I watched the flames lick all across his small 10 year old body. I reached  in for him and I screamed with agony as the fire devoured my arm, leaving angry red marks as I pulled my arm away.


“Mommy, don’t worry about me,” Carl’s voice said softly to me. “I love you, mommy. I don’t want you to die because of me.”

“No, Carl! No Carl, don’t think that way!” I sobbed as I attempted to battle through the flames again.


“Carl I love you so much! I-I-I love you!” Suddenly I was pushed aside by a firefighter who attempted to put out the fire. Once the fire was out I searched for my boy. But all I saw was a charred body. My son.

I let out an agonizing yell, a yell brought on by not the agony of the pain, but the grief of loosing a child.

“Clayden!” Alex sobbed. “Clayden!”

I looked and saw Clayden’s body, limp and lifeless, in Alex’s arms. he only had light burns on his legs.

“Asthma attack.” The words hit me like a ton of bricks. I let out a strangled sob.

“He’s in a better place.” The firefighter patted me reassuringly on my shoulder and I stiffened. I suddenly embraced Alex, and we cried together and comforted each other.

I think that’s the moment when I knew I loved him.


“I’m so sorry, Natalie…” Ashby said sympathetically. I stared at my cellphone with tears lining the lids of my eyes.


“I-I know you are.” I choked out. “And I thank you, so much ,though I’d rather like it if we didn’t talk about that.”

“Of course! Let’s talk about Jones then. Well, I met his new girlfriend. Latrica Richter. Beautiful girl.”

“Oh.” I sat down on the bed and tears streamed down my face.

“Yeah, she’s really beautiful, they are so in-”

“Ash, I-I need to go.”

“Ok, bye Nata-”

I switched off my phone and chucked it across the room and began to sob.

*Jones’s POV*

“Latricia.” I opened my door to see her half dressed at 9 pm at night.



She suddenly kissed me, lifting her legs so I was forced to carry her. She began to kiss me so passionately that I couldn’t help but think of her lips as Natalie’s on mine that night. I closed my eyes, forcing out the memories of my married best friend.

The radio was blasting in the kitchen and the song that was playing suddenly made me think how true it was for Latricia.

You’re perfect on the outside, but nothing at the core
It’s easy to forget when you show up at my door
Stop messing with my mind, cause you’ll never have my heart
But your perfect little body makes me fall apart,
Your perfect little body makes me fall apart

I closed my eyes and let her kiss me. What the hell, having her kiss me allowed me to finally imagine Natalie was there. That Natalie was mine.

But she wouldn’t ever be.


I packed the final shirt in my suitcase. That was all my stuff. I was ready for my trip to Riverview.

As I closed the door of my house I felt a rear trickle down my cheek. It was final, I was leaving. I wasn’t leaving him, though I was leaving this stage in my life. It was hard for me, albeit best for me.

By the time I was in Riverview with a pregnant belly so huge guilt had overridden me. But contractions had the upperhand.

“Ok, calm down ma’am, your baby will be coming soon.” The midwife tried to comfort me, though I couldn’t be calm, I won’t be calm. Alex always stayed with me through the births.  This is the first time since we were going out that I was all alone.

As the final contraction arrived I put my hand out urgently, searching for the usual reassuring squeeze of warmth from Alex. Nothing.

I let out another strangled plea. The midwife took this as a cry of pain. “It’s going to be over soon Honey,” She grinned at me.  “A couple more pushes and this baby’s here!”

Ok. I can do this.

Baby 50. I can’t wait to meet you.

Ok, one more push Natalie!”

Baby 50. Let’s do this.


Dear Alex,

I know you check your email every day so I’m emailing this to you. I know you are wondering where I am, and to be honest with you, I’m with your son Damon in Riverview. He’s beautiful. I’ve never came across such a stunning child. He looks mostly like me though.


I love you Alex. But I have to battle these demons of my past. This is a past you’ll never understand. Hell, I’ll never understand half of what happened to me. Though as Jones, Cassy and Electra said, I’m sinking into depression. And if I don’t sort this out on my own, you’ll never get me back. I’m on the edge of a black hole and I’m trying desperately not to be sucked in. 

I know you feel that I’m in love with Jones and don’t know it. You’re wrong. I don’t love him, though I do love him as my best friend. I love him , but not in the way I love you.

I know you want to come and get me, and I know I am missing the funerals, and I bloody well DO know I’m missing saying goodbye to you as you serve your time in the military. I never could say goodbye. Whether it’s goodbye to you for a short time or goodbye to Clayden and Carl forever.

I’m sure you want me to come back, but I can’t. I can’t yet.

Because to solve the problems of the present, I need to first solve the problems of the past.

x Natalie


Lost in the midst of so many I-love-you’s

The end is gonna pull on your feels so much like it did with me I’ll give a quick thanks etc now.

Thanks  A BILLION to Ebony Malone, aka Electra Danton, for writing the sexual content of this post I never would’ve been able to. On another note, this post is rated 13. Parent’s permission if you’re younger than that to read this, please.  Oh, and thanks to Becks Best for letting me use some of her pics. :3

Anyway, enjoy.

(Sorry for the lack of pictures.)


“Ready to go?”

No, Alex, I’m not ready. I’m not even sure how I dragged myself out of bed this morning. I don’t know how I kissed you this morning, how I pressed my body against yours, without vomiting in revolt.  I love you, I’m sure I do, but you know nothing  about me. I couldn’t even tell you about what happened with Adrian. That would lead to a lengthy discussion about my past and why I even began the challenge. But as far as you know, you know the smart, athletic , well organized, sane side of me.

But Jones doesn’t.

Jones knows the crazy, eccentric, somewhat Luna Lovegood side of me. He knows the dreamy, carefree, hopeless romantic…He knows the girl who couldn’t help but get her heart broken. The girl I was in college. The girl I truly am today.

Then there was the awkward, too-big- for- your- tall- legs stage. I was probably the ugliest teenager you could imagine. Though Jones still loved me for it.

I found myself doing this, this whole thinking of Jones 24/7. I had my chance. Now I’m married. It’s not really good for me to think about him. Especially not think about that night. 

“Erm…yeah. Just let me finish my make-up and I’ll be ready to go soon.”

Alex walked up to me and began to dab at my cheeks with his fingers.

“Bloody hell, what in God’s name are you doing to my face?” I fought with his fumbling fingers.

“I’m toning down the blusher, it’s not a flattering shade on you.” He removed his fingers from my face and began to pick up my luggage.

I frowned and sighed in annoyance. I wasn’t wearing blusher. I looked in the mirror and saw my face looking like a swollen beetroot with eyes and a nose.  If this is what I look like, just imagining the night we spent together…Imagine how I looked on the actual night!

Why am I thinking of this of my best friend? Not my amazingly sexy husband?

If it wasn’t for Adrian, I wouldn’t be feeling this way towards my husband. I would be falling into his arms all the time, always accepting his kisses, always being the perfect wife. Then again, I can’t really blame Adrian for everything. I can’t blame his for my attraction for Jones- albeit I can blame him for many terrible things that have happened to me.

I pulled my jacket up higher on my small frame. I had been gaining weight back and I’d dyed my hair the flattering shade of brown. I looked sexy. I looked…like me. I look like there was no cancer that had bruised my life.

I walked out the door of our motel, smiling in the sunshine of the halfway point, Florida. Alex touched me lightly on the but. I stiffened.


“Come on, honey.” Alex put his arm around me. I was stiff in his embrace. I stayed stiff, in my emotions, from the motel to the airport. Dragging my luggage along, at roughly 6 pm, I was already knackered.

“Go to sleep, love,” Alex said. “I love you.”

I turned my back on him and sighed deeply, closing my eyes and looking out the window to the waters far far below me.

“Smile Natalie! Come on you’re married! Give him a kiss!” The photographer yelled. I looked up at Jones and stared in his eyes, not noticing the snap of the camera. Then I lifted my lips to his and kissed his for a third time as man and wife. I turned away from him for a moment and we both grinned in the camera. Our bridal party rushed into their places and we took a picture. I glanced around my surroundings. 


This is the ugliest place possible to take a picture guys,” I giggled. “Aren’t we supposed to be taking pictures later?”

“We were trying to get some alone time,” Jones smiled back and ran a finger down my neck.

“And we thought it was picture time, so we all followed you guys in,” Electra explained.  “Sorry, I know better than that! What’s the saying? Leave newly-weds to run into backrooms or you’ll be scarred for life?”

“Pretty much,” Jones laughed. “You know Natalie and I pretty well already Electra.” I began to laugh. I began to cry with laughter, cry with this elation I felt because I’m near him. I couldn’t describe it any other way. I laughed more and more until suddenly, the laughter stopped.

“Natalie! Natalie, wake up. We’re in Italy!” Alex shook  me violently. “Natalie! Nat-a-leeeeeee.”

“Jones?” I asked groggily.

“Alex,  sweetheart. You must’ve been dreaming about your childhood. You and Jones are such close friends.”

“We are,” I said over-brightly. “Best of friends!” I sat up suddenly and I hit my head on the overhead container. I yelped in pain and sat down , and I stayed quiet for the rest of the drive out of the international airport.

“We’re nearly in Florence,” Alex informed me several hours later. “Natalie, you look pretty ill. Are you ok?”

“Fine,” I grunted. I looked at my watch. 9 am.

“Car sickness?” Alex asked with a look of concern on his face. “These roads are so damn thin and winding.”

I nodded meekly. I switched on the radio suddenly, trying to conceal the awkward silence in the car.

The song- I knew it instantly.

It was Daylight by Maroon 5.

Here I am waiting, I’ll have to leave soon, why am I holdin’ on
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along
How did it come so fast

This is our last night, but it’s late and I’m tryin’ not to sleep
‘Cuz I know, when I wake I will have to slip away


And when the daylight comes I’ll have to go
But, tonight I’m ‘gonna hold you so close
‘Cuz in the daylight, we’ll be on our own

But, tonight I need to hold you so close

It was too much for me- hearing Jones and my song so blatantly out in the open turned my illness into a bubbling coldroun of emotions.

That’s when I burst into tears.

“Natalie, are you ok?” Alex swerved off the highway , in the midst of a small rainstorm, to comfort me.


“No!” I cried. “I’m not ok!”

He put his arms around me to comfort me and for once I melted in his embrace. His hands circled my back and I just sobbed, breaking out meaningless sentences. Alex nodded in the right moments, hugged me closer to him and comforted me. He then got back on the road, and I felt much better about this honeymoon.

Even the rain cleared up.

We arrived at our apartment and  he lifted me onto his shoulders. “I love you, do you know that?”


“Of course I do,” I said, kissing him. He put me down and we slowly walked up our stairs to our little flat. Suddenly nausea overwhelmed me and I ran into the flat’s bathroom and threw up repeatedly. I knew why I was throwing up, though I shoved it to the back of my mind.

I rinsed my mouth with tap water and tried to look like I didn’t just throw up by pretending to be inspecting the cutlery and crockery in the kitchen, as I always do at the start of every trip. Alex made it up the flights of stairs and walked in with a grin on his face.

“Natalie Anders as usual, checking everything and every detail in the kitchen,” Alex teased.

“That’s me!” I smiled over-brightly. “Hey, why don’t you unpack while I get some groceries?” I asked. “I was asleep on the plane so I didn’t eat anything. Funny, my dream seemed so short for  a 10 hour flight.”

“Oh, we all have a million dreams per sleep,” Alex smiled, going into nerd mode. “You only remember the most important one…”

As he trailed off I let myself out of the apartment and started to walk down to the local supermarket, which was a couple of minutes away. I smiled brightly at the beautiful Italians, greeting them with “Ciao!” By the time I was at the supermarket I had a bright smile on my face, a real smile for once.

Eggs. Milk. Beer. Cereal. Tomatoes. Olive oil. Bread. Pasta. Cheese. Pregnancy test.

I scanned the list I had in hand and waltzed around the shop, chucking the items into the trolley. I chucked in a couple more pastries, like a Twinkie sorta thing with loud Italian writing displayed on the packages. I payed for my stuff and walked out the Co-op feeling really, really, good.

I let myself in the apartment silently and dumped the groceries on the kitchen counter. I scavenged between the items to find the pregnancy test. The baby motif on the box did not make me feel any better about this.

After the proposed 7 minutes to wait for the response I stared at the pregnancy test on the counter. I slowly opened it up.


I stood there for several moments. I didn’t want to do this- but I knew what I had to do.

Alex needs to think that this is his. I dispose of the test and walk into the kitchen, unpacking the objects.

“Do you want to go out for lunch?” Alex asked me as he appeared in the doorway.

‘Why don’t we have dessert before lunch?” I asked him seductively.

“Alright then,” He winked, and walked into the bedroom.

I stripped of my clothes, down to my underwear. I slowly approached the mirror on wobbling feet, staring at my sorry reflection in the mirror. I still had my jewelry on. I raised my hands to my neck and attempted to fight my shaking hands to take it off. I became frustrated, my hands shaking but more.

“Let me help you” Alex gave me a smile through the mirror, I could feel his soft fingers on my neck “There.” He placed the necklace onto the table. He began to kiss my neck lightly.
I pulled away “I-I’m still not ready” I tried to find something else to do. I decided to buy time by using the bathroom. I locked the door, sliding down it slowly, when my body hit the ground I wept.
Knock knock knock.
“Natalie? Are you okay” Came Alex’s worried voice
I wiped the tears from my face “Yes!” I tried to restore normality in my voice “Just- Give me a minute!” I unlocked the door and sheepishly made my way to the bed. I fell clumsily onto it. That’s when I decided, if I had to do this; I should at least try and enjoy it. But how could I? After that night. The night that ruined my marriage, and stopped me from loving my husband.
Alex climbed on top of me. Grinning mischievously. I smiled back weakly, and then he began kissing my chest. His lips were soft and warm; it was easy to believe that if it wasn’t for Adrian this moment would have been one of the best. Alex’s fumbling hand was on my waist; he bent down to kiss me on the face. His lips caressed mine; I felt a spark of love arise within me as our bodies touched. I kissed him back hard and ferociously, pushing my body into his. I shared his warmth for a moment. He giggled flirtatiously then flipped me over. Our positions now changed, it was my turn to take the lead. Lust bubbled within me, adrenalin radiating in my mind. My hands grabbed his face as I stuck my tongue down his throat. Everything was moving so fast. The room spun as my hand trailed down his body. I tore off his underwear and pushed my sticky body into his chest. His calm hand unlatched my bra; all manner of feelings drifted inside of me.

He and I were finally one. “I love you Natalie” He groaned.
“Shut up” I said as my hands explored every unknown nook of my husband. His hands also moved around me, taking pleasure in what we now shared.
No, not now. Not here.
I pulled away from Alex. It was dark, nothing made sense. The room spun and colours blended into one mass of chaos.
Alex was undeterred by my lack of movement. He proceeded to kiss me, proceeded to do everything that he wanted to do. I didn’t fight it, how could I do that to him? No, I will just do this. For him. I stared off into the distance, tears merging with beads of sweat on my face. My life is one lie after another.

I lay there, naked, moments afterwards, my hand on his stomach. I felt like death had decided to visit me early.


I felt worthless.

I felt alone.

I untangled my body from his although he stayed sleeping. I wrapped a robe around my body and wandered into the living room with tears streaming down my face.

Please God, I prayed. I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want to live at all. Please, just kill me now.I know you’re supposed to have a plan for me, like Sunday School used to say, though I don’t care about that plan. I can never do anything right. I’ll never fulfill anything. Please, kill me now.

After nothing happening, I began to sob once again.

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing.